How to Find Mentors

Things that helped me form some of the most influential relationships in my life

I am the beneficiary of the kindness of dozens of strangers. That’s not to discredit any of my personal achievements; rather, I want to acknowledge how important it is to have good mentors, as that is overwhelmingly the one piece of advice I feel qualified to give others in the cycle of paying it forward. While the advice is obvious, I find that most people struggle with the “how” part, so I’m going to explain how I developed most of the influential mentor relationships in my life.

Be Curious and Make Friends

No one I’ve ever called a mentor was someone I specifically sought to be my mentor; it just happened. Call it naivety or blind optimism, but I genuinely believe some people find fulfillment in helping others without gaining anything but a good feeling. Perhaps your relationship will be symbiotic one day, but in the beginning, you probably have nothing more to offer other than being pleasant to be around and easy to coach. I’ve met numerous mentors through school clubs, friends of friends, and even the internet. These are typically people who have already walked a path I admire and people that I am genuinely curious to get to know. I approach these relationships the same way I approach making friends: I want to understand their lives, how they think, what shaped them. There’s already a lot you can learn from that information without extending the relationship, but the first step to anyone having a vested interest in your success is for you both to somewhat understand each other as people.

Don’t be Selfish

Per my previous point, a mentor is likely invested in your success for altruistic reasons - there’s very little they could possibly want out of you right now. They spend their time and energy on you because they believe in you. The respectful response is to manage your expectations for them. Your mentors won’t save you; they are trusting you to save yourself. Don’t treat them like a genie with all the answers. Use your brain, put in the work, be open to learning, and show them why they made the right choice to bet on you.

Lean In

Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, a mentor comes to you first. When I was in the 10th grade, my history teacher saw that I was an ambitious kid who was curious about the world, but struggled to get past the insecurities rambling about in my head. After class, he would share book lists and student program pamphlets with me, all I had to do was engage with the material and his outreach. For those of us that confidence doesn’t come naturally, be aware of people who express their belief in you, as they will be the champions of you learning it for yourself.

Be Genuine

People want to help you if you are doing things for the right reasons. You need to be someone other people want to see succeed. This usually means being humble, open-minded, and thoughtful. In short, don’t be an asshole.

Put in the Extra 5%

The bar is probably much lower than you think it is. Most people don’t share their work, cold DM strangers, or follow up with people. I find that as I’ve gotten older, it helps to make myself more legible to others - who is Jess? What does she do? What is interesting about her? What does she think about? This could be through any body of work that helps people pinpoint exactly who you are and why they might want to talk to you. The next step is to take the initiative to actually start conversations and keep them going.

Try to be Helpful

I’m saying this for the third time now - there’s probably nothing of tangible value that you can offer a mentor, and that’s okay because they’re probably not looking for you to do that. What they want is someone who is actually going to learn and become better as a result of their sharing their time and wisdom with you. The biggest ROI you can give them is to be teachable. That said, you can always attempt to help. Send them articles you think they’d enjoy, new ideas you have, and ask them questions that will make them think.

Gratitude

I don’t speak to everyone I consider a mentor frequently, but I will never withhold sharing my gratitude when it comes to mind. Even if we haven’t spoken for years, I will always be sure to reach out if I’m in their city, update them on how things have developed, and send them all of the congratulations for their milestones too (they are also navigating life for the first time). There’s nothing to lose from sending a “Hey, remember that conversation we had 3 months ago? I’m still thinking about it, and your words really changed the way I think. I decided to do X, which led me to Y. Just wanted you to know the impact you had, and I appreciate you for it.” Generally, in life, don’t bite your tongue against expressing gratitude.

Closing Thoughts

I use the word “mentor” loosely because there are people in my life who have swooped in at unexpected times to shine a flashlight through a foggy path. There are also people whom I’ve only had one or two conversations with, whose words have changed the trajectory of my life. There are even people my age or younger who have asked me questions that made me introspect on things I’ve never thought about before. I think learning can come from anyone, and the people you surround yourself with ultimately have the biggest influence on how your life plays out. Taking my own advice, I’ll use this as an opportunity to thank all the people in my life who have offered me their generosity - I appreciate you!